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The Narcissistic Mother’s Accomplice
Narcissistic mothers and enabling fathers
When kids don’t stand a chance
Narcissistic mothers don’t have children for good reason. They are not nurturers. They have no maternal instincts or true love to give. For a narcissistic mother, children represent a closed narcissistic supply. Because the child’s life is in her hands. She dismisses the fact that children have needs, expecting her constant supply of drugs to be the perfect trade-off.
A narcissistic mother does not imagine that her children will meet their own needs. But children have individual needs, and those needs can be very demanding for any mother. They are especially powerful for the narcissistic mother who now seems to be giving more than she is getting. She did not bargain for that.
A narcissistic mother feels anger towards her children and their needs. This anger exacerbates her already natural tendency toward abusive behavior. Someone has to pay for her sorry situation. Her innocent children are her property, so she can do with them as she pleases. What makes her happy is using her as a scapegoat for anything that makes her feel sad or down.
Any attempt by the boys to question her, defend themselves, or express their needs is met with terrifying narcissistic rage. Over time, every time they challenge her in any way with the same results, the boys learn that they must play by her rules. They are silenced by fear.
Where is the father while all this is going on? What is he doing about the abuse he sees his children suffer at the hands of their mother? Logic tells us that, under the circumstances, children should depend on their fathers for their emotional well-being. Someone must love them, protect them and advocate for them. A father, the protector of the family, will certainly not stand by and allow his children to suffer abuse.
That’s what logic tells us but it rarely works that way when NPD is involved. A strong man with boundaries and great self-respect would have walked away from this crazy woman long ago and hopefully taken his children with him.
But a strong man with healthy boundaries and great self-esteem wouldn’t be with this type of woman in the first place. If he had been attracted by her sly, manipulative ways and false personality (as others easily do) and then made the mistake of marrying her, he certainly would not have lasted long in the marriage.
Narcissists prey on the weak; Those they believe they can bully and manipulate. Men who marry and live with narcissistic women either have low self-esteem, a pattern of abuse in their lives, a missing love to fill the shoes of, or an absent mother, are codependent, or have masochistic tendencies. A personality disorder like hers. There is always some kind of deficiency.
A man who has this together will not subject himself to dehumanization, elimination, objectification, or the unpredictable rage of a narcissistic woman. He will never accept the role of eternal victim; Someone who believes he is unworthy and guilty of what his NPD wife judges him to be.
A man who wants his marriage to survive with a narcissistic wife must worship the ground she walks on; Tell her whatever she wants to hear. He must tell her how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how great she is and how worthy she is. He must deny the importance of his own wants and needs in order to please her.
Narcissistic wives control their husbands like puppets. They are used to hold back anger, and love or sex. They can make these men’s lives hell if they want and then make the men believe that they deserve everything. They keep their husbands on their toes. These submissive husbands depend on their wives to tell them what is true and what is false, what is right and what is wrong, what they are allowed to do and what is forbidden.
By the time children come into the picture, it is established that the husband’s survival in the relationship depends on enabling his wife’s abuse.
Men who marry and live with narcissistic women do not make strong father material. They become spineless jellyfish who will do anything to keep the peace with their wives, even if it means sacrificing the welfare of their children. Wives always come first; This father makes it very clear to his children.
The father also becomes an accomplice to the mother’s abusive tactics. She threatens him to do her dirty work so she can remain innocent of abuse forever. If he misbehaves for her, she may deny having anything to do with him. It’s Teflon – nothing ever sticks to it.
Their father’s behavior makes no sense to their children. They wonder, “How can she be so loyal to a father who treats her so badly? Why doesn’t Baba stand by her?” Helplessly witnessing their father’s denigration and innocence is very damaging to children’s emotional well-being, as is direct narcissistic abuse from their mother.
Children raised in such a family are unlikely to develop emotionally healthy. They lack emotional security. Their lives are completely unstable. They live in a constantly chaotic and unpredictable environment. These children can never rely on any emotional consistency; Hence living in constant fear. They are forced to adopt roles inappropriate for their age in an attempt to establish a sense of calm.
No one steps up to help these children because no one outside knows what is going on in the house. Narcissistic mothers present a picture of a perfect family to the outside world. Everyone on the outside looks at their moms and dads as amazing people. People outside the immediate family never see what goes on behind closed doors.
A narcissistic mother demands complete devotion. Children are often reinforced by their mothers to never discuss their family’s private problems. Whenever the boys step over the line, any token of love shown by her is immediately withdrawn. They will not dare to embarrass their mother, so instead they must internalize all their feelings.
Children with narcissistic mothers and enabling fathers are emotionally abandoned and abused from a very young age. They have no one to advocate for them. They are set up for a lifetime of misery; Insecurity, lack of self-esteem, depression, anxiety, fear, anger issues, boundary issues, codependency and painful adult relationships. Sometimes the chemical balance of their brains is also altered, making it nearly impossible to overcome abuse without counseling, therapy, or medication in later years.
Children raised in such environments grow up without healthy coping or problem-solving skills. They have to build protective walls inside for their emotional survival. Life’s most basic challenges are met with confusion, fear, withdrawal, anger, or substance abuse. Their life becomes dangerous.
Adult children raised in these types of homes have a hard time identifying the root of their problems. They have lived a very painful life and often don’t understand why. It is very difficult for them to see what that abuse was and still may be. They hear about children who are brutally beaten and feel guilty for comparing their pain to these victims. In many people’s minds, emotional abuse pales in comparison to physical abuse. But that is certainly not the case.
Unlike physical abuse, drug abuse is subtle. These abusers deliberately confuse their victims about the reality of what is going on, so victims never know the root of their pain. Narcissists play mind games. They deny what they have done. Children (adults) can never confront their parents and seek admission, validation or apology.
It’s doubly frustrating when other parents take the exact same stance and defend the NPD parent, or when the therapists we go to or our friends blame us for causing the problem in the first place. It makes us feel crazy; It makes us second-guess the validity and gravity of our pain.
That’s why as adult children of narcissistic parents, we must stick together. We must support each other because no one else will understand. And most importantly you need to seek professional help. We cannot survive without it.
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