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The Art of Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the art of vigorous self-assurance. Able to tactfully express one’s opinions, feelings and authority without hesitation in a way that does not offend others. However, a thin line separates assertiveness from aggressiveness. Being assertive comes from a sense of self-worth and confidence, so reflects strength, while being aggressive is a need to defend, so it expresses hostility.
Growing up, the world teaches us the art of ‘fitting in’ or ‘blending into the background’. This means that even though our opinions and desires may differ from those around us, we are taught not to voice them because it can attract unnecessary attention and is more likely to be negative. So by accepting a situation in life that we do not accept internally. This is extremely dangerous as it leads to ‘escapist behaviour’. We avoid situations that require a response by taking the initiative and letting others make important decisions on our behalf. It is not wrong to follow a leader, but to remain silent when the outcome is permissive is a sign of doubt.
The benefits of being assertive
An assertive approach allows for effective, honest and solution-oriented communication. This allows for positive control of the situation and an attitude of fairness towards both parties.
Since most of us are used to being unassuming and unassuming, adopting an assertive style can be challenging at first. Everyday conversation involves taking small risks. Thus a firm approach can be adopted gradually and with minimum risk.
However, being assertive does not mean being disrespectful. An important thing to remember when learning how to practice assertiveness is to remember that the other person is entitled to their opinions and rights as well. Your job is not to prove them wrong, but to make your own point. The tone and voice in which you speak is an important factor that separates assertiveness from aggression.
“Assurance is your ability to act in a way that is consistent with your self-esteem without hurting others.”
Different communication styles
The four different styles of communication are passive, aggressive, manipulative and assertive.
The passive style is dictating the flow even when others disagree. It is always avoiding conflict by staying calm and playing it safe.
Aggressive style wants to win at any cost and focuses on proving the other party wrong.
A manipulative style is calm but at the same time cunning and hostile. It handles situations without focus.
The assertive style is empathetic and seeks win-win solutions for both parties.
Each of these communication styles is used by us to varying degrees and at different times. Our communication style varies according to the people we interact with. For example, due to a strong comfort level, a person may be assertive with his family but inactive in a professional background due to a lack of confidence.
Pursuing a strong style
A common mistake most people make when trying to be assertive is to simply raise their voice and demand more. This increases hostility and rarely achieves the desired results. Being assertive requires skillful use of both language and behavior.
There are two key elements you need to keep in mind to communicate assertively – the how and the what? How you communicate refers to your tone and volume, while what you communicate is about the script you use. The script includes the language you choose and how well you convey your message. The best way to implement this is to prepare a draft in advance and practice it a few times in front of the mirror in different tones. This way you can edit and choose the most suitable words and tone.
Creating a promising script
• Focus on the message you want to communicate. Don’t include too many different messages as this creates confusion and loses the real purpose. Choose the point that is most important to you and emphasize it.
• Use positive language. Your choice of words should be such that it conveys your message without proving the other party wrong.
For example, your boss is suggesting that you conduct a meeting in a certain way. Instead of dismissing him out of hand and dismissing his suggestion, say something like, “That’s a nice suggestion, but how do we try a new approach this time? I’ve been researching this and I think now is the right time. To try it!” That way you appreciate his suggestion and talk about what you want to do.
• Be flexible about the outcome you want. Being assertive doesn’t mean you have to win. Sticking to a pre-defined outcome creates an air of conflict. Instead, channel your energy into creating a win-win situation. And this can only be done by showing the other party that you have their best interests at heart.
“Being firm and somewhat firm has to be backed up by being fair.” – Gordon Ramsay
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