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Don’t Let Anger Sabotage Your Marriage
Anger is an emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It is built into our system and has a purpose for our lives. Thomas Fuller calls it ‘the sin of our soul’, as long as it is expressed constructively and does not sabotage our marriage.
Charles Darwin believed that human behavior consisted of remnants of reactions found in animals or primitive humans, which were necessary for their survival. As humans have joined the higher animals, these residual responses lie hidden in the subconscious and are activated only when provoked. However, not all scientists agree with Darwin. The sense-motivation theory is more balanced and acceptable. This suggests that when a person evaluates a stimulus as pleasant or unpleasant, he expresses the emotion according to his judgment.
Anger is a distinct feeling of displeasure at a real or imagined wrong. This causes adrenaline to flow, blood pressure to rise, face to become red and breathing to be difficult. It is an extremely powerful emotion that has the potential to destroy marital happiness and relationships.
Different ways of expressing anger:
• Open hostility towards partner. Men who beat their wives are said to be angry, irritable, suspicious and moody. Although they behave well in public, the home is the arena where they display their dark side.
But anger is not just a male trait. Women can get angry too. Although they are not physically strong enough to beat their husbands, they can be abusive and abusive. Verbal abuse is very high in urban settings. Its effects last longer than physical abuse. Many families have a ‘hot temper’ problem.
Abraham Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, was believed to have a fiery temper. She would not only abuse but physically abuse her husband with a stick, or hit him with potatoes. Once, she chased him across the Springvale yard with a kitchen knife. Even after she became First Lady and moved into the White House, staffers were intimidated by her sharp tongue.
Anger can even take the subtle form of innocent love, where the husband pampers his wife and does things for her, completely alienating her and stifling her potential and creativity.
• Crying or crying during anger is sometimes a woman’s way of expressing anger.
• Staying calm, suppressing anger and allowing it to build up inside like a smoky volcano waiting to erupt. This will manifest in altered physical function and consequent ill health. A study conducted by an independent research institute in Wisconsin analyzed the effects of marital discord on heart disease and overall mortality. They found that those who suppressed their anger activated stress hormones that adversely affected health. Can cause heart attack, irritable bowel syndrome, high blood pressure. Gastric ulcer surface symptoms in those who persistently suppress anger. One surgeon reported that 97% of his ulcer patients were angry.
Prolonged emotional stress can also cause behavioral changes. Adolf Meyer described the role of emotional factors in physical and mental health as psycho-parallelism.
• Harmful behaviors such as withdrawal, poor job application, inability to connect with colleagues, and difficulty holding down a job.
Consequences of uncontrolled anger.
1. Marital conflict: Anger threatens the unity and stability of families. Fighting is a habit in some families. Both partners may have short fuses. Children start aping their parents.
2. Strained Relationships: Forms of anger can be destructive and ugly.
3. Child Abuse: Angry parents can viciously attack their children. The incidence of child abuse by parents is on the rise and is not limited to the lower socio-economic groups. Children growing up in such an environment become angry adults. They react in three ways – passive resistance through silence and non-cooperation, revenge or open rebellion.
What causes anger?
• Frustration: feeling misunderstood or taken for granted; Needs are not met. Sometimes the anger may be disproportionate to the actual provocation.
• Fear of violence, illness, loss of job or loss of a loved one.
• Hurt by your loved one’s depression. It can be emotional, physical or relational.
• Fatigue: Work load, stress, lack of appreciation and unfairness.
Anger management at home.
1. Understand Anger: It is an inherent element of all relationships. In their book “Pressure Points,” Oliver and Wright state that “disagreements in relationships are inevitable and a fundamental part of intimacy.” Therefore, healthy ways of expressing anger should be found. Husbands and wives need to understand and appreciate their differences. Such an attitude will create closeness.
2. Fight constructively: Couples should learn to handle anger without hurting each other’s self-esteem. Those who learn to fight constructively will ensure their married life. However, frequent disagreements weaken the bonds of love.
3. Honesty: Admit that you are angry. Analyze the reasons for your anger. What triggered it?
4. Avoid arguments at this point. Sort things out when you’re in a good mood. Ask yourself if you are at fault too. Denying your part in the disagreement makes it harder to resolve the issue. Healthy arguments are a testament to a strong marriage. But the blame game is dangerous. Disagree without hurting each other.
5. Control the tongue. Take a deep breath and force yourself to relax. “A fool vents his anger, but a wise man controls himself.” (Proverbs 29:11) Sometimes, stepping away from the scene provides a better perspective on the problem. Yoga and meditation have helped people to control their temper.
6. Listen to each other. Understanding the other’s point of view is very important. “Couples who express their anger and do nothing to find out why are committing marital suicide,” says Broderick.
7. Calming one’s anger through physical exercise, creative activity, or some other form of recreation helps reduce anger. Such activities bring out these explosive emotions and help one discuss matters in a calm frame of mind. Then negotiation and problem solving is possible.
8. Resolve to never go to sleep with anger in your mind. Make up with your partner before going out for the night. As the Bible says, “In your anger, do not sin; when you are angry, do not let the sun go down and do not give Satan a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26, 27.)
9. Forgiveness will restore a broken relationship. Holding grudges puts a heavy burden on the heart. The pain is aggravated and unbearable. By forgiving, we stop hurting ourselves and the other person. Abraham Lincoln was able to live with his abusive wife because of his forgiving spirit. This made him patient and tolerant.
Forgiveness should also mean letting go of the offense and promising never to use it as a weapon in every subsequent conflict. Forgiveness is hard. This can happen only by God’s grace. “Forgive as the Lord forgives you.” The silence that follows is indescribable.
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