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5 Ways to Love – In and Out of the Bedroom
People give and receive love in different ways. Our tendency is to give love as we like. However, if your love language isn’t the same as your girlfriend’s, you may feel like you’re giving it to them all the time, and they may complain that they don’t feel you love them back. It’s like you’re talking to them in English and they only understand French. When love is not communicated effectively, it leads to feelings of confusion, anger, and frustration. There is a simple solution to this dilemma. Learn to speak the five love languages. Then find out which languages you and your partner respond to. Once you know their preferred language, you can speak to them in a language they understand. Then teach them the languages of your choice so you can love in a way that nourishes you.
There are five love languages:
Words of affirmation– Some people want to be seen and appreciated for who they are and what they do through words of acknowledgment. You should regularly hear them tell you that you love their new haircut, that they enjoyed the meals they cooked for you, that they took out the trash, weeded the yard, or emptied the dishwasher. Your words are a powerful resource in making them feel loved and valued. Tell them in the bedroom how much you love the glow of their skin, how he/she makes you shiver, how their touch drives you crazy.
great time– For others, words don’t mean as much as spending time together. These people want to feel connected through interactive activities. They need to feel your undivided attention on them and what you are doing together. They want to prioritize spending time together. These people enjoy date night, a planned activity that brings you together and where you focus solely on each other. In the bedroom it means setting aside special time or an entire day for love.
gifts– Most people enjoy gifts but for some it is the primary way to feel loved. This does not mean that they need expensive gifts. In fact, they often prefer sweet or silly gifts given spontaneously, for no reason at all. This type can be hurt if you don’t give them a gift on their birthday or anniversary. Gifts are experienced as an expression of your love for them. In the bedroom it could be a flower, a card or a small expression of your love hidden under their pillow.
Service Laws– Some people like what you do for them. These can be everyday things like folding laundry or bringing pizza home for dinner. They can be big things like taking them on a romantic vacation or remodeling a house. Your actions speak louder than words. They love or need you when you do things for them. The bedroom can be cleaned before making love in the bedroom. It can also be a lovemaking session when you only give it to them.
physical touch– Many people respond most to affectionate touch. They want to hug, kiss, hold hands, massage or sit with you on the couch. Just put a simple arm around them as you walk down the street or across the table, and touching their arm will let them feel your love through the act of physical contact. In the bedroom this can mean massage as part of foreplay.
How do you like to love?
Here are three steps that can help you discover which way you love to love. Generally, we give love in the same way that we enjoy receiving it. So one way to learn how we like to love is to notice how we give love to others. Often, we complain to our partner that the need we feel is not being met. What are your common complaints about not getting the love you want? What requests do you make to feel loved? How do you like to make love (sexually) in the bedroom?
It is also helpful to increase your awareness of how you give and receive in all your interactions. It’s easy to give people what they want in a way that makes them feel good when you know how to love. It will be helpful to share this information with your lover and with friends and family so that they can be more aware and give love to each other in ways that are mutually beneficial.
Sometimes, learning to speak a new love language can be challenging. This may seem awkward or forced at first. Recognize that you are learning a new way of communicating, and just like learning a foreign language, it will take time and practice to become good at speaking in a new way that is foreign to you. You may feel uncomfortable giving love in the bedroom in a way you haven’t done before. Look at it as an adventure and enjoy the process. Learn to surrender and allow yourself to love in new and joyful ways.
This article is based on the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Your Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary DeMonte Chapman, which I recommend reading if you want to learn more.
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